3 Jul

Gobby Speaks Out
by Paul Waite
3 Jul 2007

Yes folks, it’s yet another idiot from across the Tasman speaking out on rugby matters through their nether regions. This time it’s your friend and mine, Mr. Rent-a-Rugby-Quote, the inimitable Gobby Eddie himself.

Let’s get to work analyzing his latest bout of oral flatulence in commenting on the recent Australia v All Blacks test match in Melbourne. We have passed this through the Haka Gob-O-Meter, which starts up at 100 (normal intelligence) and automatically deducts 10 pts for each piece of significant gobby stupidity that it detects. Eddie’s comments are all in italics, the Gob-O-Meter’s reasons for deduction are interspersed in normal type.

He may not coach the Wallabies now but Eddie Jones is saying plenty on where the All Blacks have it wrong

[Bzzt. -10 for being Gobby Eddie and making the unutterably stupid mistake of thinking anyone wants to hear what you have to say. IQ=90]

Graham Henry’s All Blacks reconditioning policy was always going to be questioned at the first sign of defeat, and the knives are out after the Wallabies outlasted the All Blacks in Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup opener in Melbourne.

Former Wallaby coach Eddie Jones is not impressed with what he has seen from Henry’s side this season.

[Bzzt. -10 for failing to notice the way they traveled to South Africa and beat the Springboks by a handy margin, which the Wallabies failed to do. IQ=80]

Jones does not think the All Blacks have been good this season, saying they were shaky against the Springboks and their reconditioned players are short of a gallop.

[Bzzt. -10 for failing to notice the way they traveled to South Africa and beat the Springboks by a handy margin, which the Wallabies failed to do. IQ=70]

Jones also points to the loss of first choice locks as hurting the All Blacks and says New Zealand has real problems in the lineout area. He believes the All Blacks are too conservative and do not mix their formations up enough, making them too predictable.

[Bzzt. -10 for stating the bleeding obvious and ignoring the facts. Yes we’ve had a string of injuries to our top locks, and yes that weakens the lineout. However the stats from the test in Melbourne and in South Africa showed the lineout is still in fact largely holding its own. Bzzt. -10 for not noticing that it is precisely because the All Blacks have been mixing things up enough that the stats are as they are. IQ=50]

Jones also sees a weakening of the ability of Richie McCaw to captain the All Blacks on the field. Jones says McCaw seemed unable to have an impact with the referee on Saturday, and suggests McCaw may have lost the respect of the referees due to his constant infringing in the rucks.

[Bzzt. -10 for imagining ANYONE could have an impact on a clueless jonker like Marius Plonker; Bzzt. -10 for suggesting that being polite and sportsmanlike to the referee and not whining and yelling like a stroppy toddler that wants all the toys in the toyshop as Gregan does LOSES you respect. BZZT. -20 for Getting The Facts Wrong yet again; McCaw does NOT constantly infringe in rucks, as born out by the statistics – McCaw only conceded one penalty on Saturday, and that was erroneous due to Plonker missing the fact that he was the tackler. IQ=10.]

In contrast, George Gregan was as much a mouthful as a handful, and while he is no longer the captain, Jones believes his influence is still as important as ever.

[Bzzt. -10 for supporting that bald whiny midget in his constant unsportsmanlike behaviour on the pitch. Gregan’s gob is the stuff of legend, as with all legends should be relegated to history. That kind of behaviour is on the IRB’s black-list, and the game should be rid of it as fast as possible. Anyone supporting it should be forced to listen to an endless loop of The Worst Rap Music Ever Recorded for 24 hours straight. Oh dear. IQ=0]

So, according to the Gob-O-Meter Eddie has a Haka IQ rating of precisely ZERO points. This value is unfortunately just less than an amoeba, which experiments have shown has an IQ of 1, because it DOES at least know the difference between its psuedopods and its vacuole. Which is why you never hear of an amoeba embarrassing itself by blabbering incontinent drivel to the papers, and anyone else who will listen.

Nevertheless we are sort of grateful that Eddie isn’t impressed with the All Blacks this year. The last time it was the Tri-Nations before a Rugby World Cup he actually was impressed with them, and look what happened to prove that was a lot of cods. This time around the value of his opinions should be no different.

For those of you of a technical bent (or just plain bent) the Haka Gob-O-Meter is a rather impressive piece of apparatus, here are a few details on it for the curious.

The words to be analysed are transcribed onto toilet paper using a special brown crayon (the very best kindergarten grade) then, after unsuccessfully trying to roll the paper back onto the roll, it’s usually just screwed up, thrown down the pan and the chain pulled. This normally startles the bi-furcular wobbit analyzer out of sleep mode, and some sounds rather like belching emanate from the bowels of the deep-space thrurgulator, indicating that both transcendental and orthodontal meditation is taking place. The operator then goes into a trance and, wearing his pointy tin-foil hat, begins to type the first things that come into his head. The results are then passed on to the Haka Editor, who ignores them and writes whatever he likes. Patent 324990213-2 Pending.

Paul Waite

Paul Waite

Haka editor-in-chief. Please do not feed.

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