Once again the Aussies have showed everyone how not to deal with the All Black Haka.

First of all they insult it in the media a few days prior to the test, then some genius within their ranks decides that, after the Haka, the team should get the tackle bags out, together with a few training cones, and run through some irrelevant drills making All Blacks stand, fuming, ready for kickoff.

Duh. If I had to come up with a guaranteed way of lighting a fire under the All Blacks just before they ripped into my team, that would be it.

In the past we’ve had all sorts of other failed tactics – removing the team to go and stand far away under the goalposts, linking arms and pacing as a unit into the face of the haka, going up to the haka leader and yelling insults into his face from a distance of 3 millimetres, turning away and huddling, standing and openly laughing at it. One of the funniest and least effective has to be this idea of having the Wallabies standing around looking like muppets in full training suits, then dawdling off to remove them after the haka. If they had a big neon sign saying “WE’RE DELAYING KICKOFF BECAUSE WE’RE INTIMIDATED BY THE HAKA!!” it wouldn’t be any more obvious what’s happening.

When will coaches and teams learn? The very best thing you can do for yourselves is to face the haka silently and respectfully, then get on with the damn game. Anything else is like emptying a can of petrol on a fire to try and put it out.

---

Now to the game itself. Here’s a public notice to Steve Hansen:

STEVE – TIME TO PANIC, THE LINEOUT IS BROKEN.

After each and every test this season, where the lineout has been a dysfunctional, unreliable mess, we’ve been treated to a “there’s nothing much wrong, we’re not panicking” dismissal from the burly All Blacks forward coach. This has been echoed from within, in the form of Ali Williams & Co.

In this test, the All Blacks can count themselves lucky that they didn’t lose, and the reason was the mis-match in territorial stats chiefly brought about by their lineout woes. In the final 10-15 minutes they lost several key throws, and allowed the Wallabies to mount wave after wave of attack. Man of the match Richie McCaw single-handledly saved his side from defeat with a miraculous tackle and regain in the All Blacks left-wing corner with minutes on the clock, a chance resulting from another of these lineout losses.

So please, no more denials. We have big problems in that phase of the game, and it needs a huge amount of work to get us back to where it should be, that’s clear.

Moving from the lineout, the scrum was once again a weapon, but somewhat negated by the usual display of refereeing incompetence from Alain Rolland, who took it on himself to ‘protect’ the poor little Wallabies from the All Black front row’s hit. Despicable. What next – stopping them pushing too hard perhaps?

However, for a team so dominant at scrum time, the All Blacks still haven’t sorted out their mauling. It remains very deficient in technique, with the likes of Rodney So’oialo persisting in using a body position as upright as your average lampost, and others simply not reading the opposition as they should, or offending by pulling it down or joining from the side. That together with mis-judgements in numbers required resulted in another hard day at the office defending it. The only consolation was, it was marginally better than last time. Going forward isn’t much better, with only one decent maul completed by the All Blacks.

Finally, the All Blacks kicking game was sub-par in this test, and completely out-classed by Australia. Kicks from the men in black lacked depth and accuracy, and usually served to simply kickstart another Wallaby attack. When the ball was booted in the other direction it always went where it should, and gained large amounts of territory.

However looking at individual All Black performances, there wasn’t anyone who was poor. The faults were of a combinational, teamwork nature, not down to individuals.

The single big positive in this test was the All Black defence. To keep an Australian team which had so much possession and territorial advantage try-less is a startling accomplishment, and one to be proud of notwithstanding the aforementioned faults.

---

The main celebration from this result is that the Bledisloe Cup is once again safe for another season. Despite the obvious deficiencies in the team, the All Blacks won away at a venue which is traditionally a Wallaby fortress, and that was no easy task.

Looking ahead, we can expect more ‘rotational’ changes by Henry, and no doubt more crappola from the dysfunctional lineout (why change anything while you’re winning?). The trip to South Africa will probably see some other key personnel rested, such as McCaw and Hayman so we can expect the ‘B’ team to be different from the last ‘B’ team.

Whatever the case, well done to the All Blacks for winning the Bledisloe, and good luck for the next phase of the campaign.

Jerry Collins: Amateur Hairdresser

Collins demonstrates how to undo the plats in a dreadlock hairdo using George Smith as his model. Backing by Eminem (Just Lose It).

Ok, here is a breakdown posted to me by Tracey Nelson. It shows what happened at each lineout from the All Blacks’ perspective.

Receiver	Position	Lifters	Won	Contested	Comments
Jack	Middle	So’oialo & Williams	Yes	Yes
McCaw	Front	Woodcock & Williams	Yes	Yes
Williams	Front	Woodcock & Hayman	Yes	Yes
Jack	Middle	So’oialo & Woodcock	Yes	Yes
McCaw	Middle	Hayman & Jack	Yes	Yes
Jack	Middle	Woodcock & Collins	No	Yes	Vickerman gets up in front, throw possibly a bit short
Williams	Back	?	Yes	Yes
Jack	Middle	Hayman & So’oialo	No	Yes	Had all day to sort call out but lots of confusion before throw, Australia steal
McCaw	Back	Williams & Hayman	Yes	Yes	Ball won, but throw ruled as not straight
Jack	Middle	Collins & ?	Yes	Yes
McCaw	Middle	Williams & Jack	No	Yes	McCaw knocks-on, not good lifting as unstable in air
Williams	Back	Hayman only	Yes	No
Masoe	Front	Woodcock only	No	Yes	Masoe misses ball completely, Jack manages to tip it back but Hayman knocks on
Jack	Middle	Masoe and So’oialo	No	Yes	Australian jumper gets up in front of Jack
Williams	Front	Woodcock & Hayman	Yes	Yes
Williams	Back	No lift	No	Yes	Wrong call? Williams readied for jump but ball thrown to nobody at the back
Eaton	Front	Woodcock & McCaw	No	Yes	Not lifted high enough, Australian jumpers get in front
Jack	??	No lift	Yes	Yes	Ball totally overthrown, McCaw manages to retrieve but then dumped to ground and supposedly knocks the ball on (but he didn’t)
McCaw	Long	No lift	Yes	No	Hore’s only lineout throw is long and straight to McCaw, uncontested at back

Summary:

McCaw	3/5	Plus won another NZ ball not meant for him
Jack	3/7	Outjumped 3 times, the other miss being an overthrown ball)
Williams	4/5	The one miss being a ball that was totally overthrown)
Masoe	0/1	Overthrown
Eaton	0/1
Overthrows: 3 Not straight: 1

by