5 Sep

Kiwi Farce And Aussie Arse
by Rick Boyd
5 Sep 2001

It was all too predictable.

Yet another half-arsed, village idiot display from a tenth rate New Zealand team that brings shame on the once proud name of the All Blacks.

Another ordinary, barely average game from a Wallaby team lauded in Australia as the Greatest Team in History, so low are their expectations.

Another monkey in a referee’s jumper doing his best to completely ruin a game that was already being ruined quite nicely by two pathetically inadequate teams.

Another last-gasp and totally undeservedescape act from an unbelievably lucky Australian team.

Another masturbatory outpouring of Australian boastfulness and self-congratulation.

If there is any balance in the universe, Australia are poised on the verge of a long and dark era of total obscurity to atone for the record-setting tin-arsed jamminess of their continuing Houdini acts of recent years.

This strictly mundane, play-by-numbers collection of plodders, even boosted as they are by Islanders and New Zealanders, do not deserve any footnote in history except for defying the laws of probability, and for being blessed by laughable opposition that obligingly self-destruct to flatter the mediocre Wallabies.

Naturally, over here in Australia they are singing their own praises so loudly any sense of perspective goes right down the drain. Leading the media chorus was Wallaby call-girl Greg Growden, as usual, so infatuated with just how wonderful Australia is that it’s a wonder he could get his hand off it long enough to write his ludicrously fictional articles.

“But yet again the Wallabies knew when they had to produce,” warbled Growders on Sunday, “… they refused to drop their standards.”

It was a common theme from the Aussie hacks. Barely mentioned were the endless string of All Black lost lineouts and unforced errors that were the real cause of the Australian success. All the Aussie cheerleaders invented some magical Australian effort in what was, in reality, a dull and uninspired game that would have seen the Wobblies taken apart like a club social side against a real All Black team.

“…Eales was a prominent force,” gibbered Growden,
“…repeatedly grabbing All Black captain Anton Oliver’s throws.”

Perhaps the fact that Oliver’s throws were going everywhere but where they should have gone might have been a factor. Any moderately competent club side can win parity in lineouts these days, but the All Blacks are so pathetically inadequate they won only seven of 28 lineouts. Australians would love to kid themselves this was due to wonderful Australian play but the vast majority of them were unforced errors, crap play by the All Blacks pure and simple.

Full time clown Peter Fitzsimons confined himself to a saccharine love-letter to John Eales, declaring his undying affection for the retiring Australian captain in no uncertain terms. If I was Eales I’d be keeping my arse to the wall when Fitzsimons was around.

Great Aussie Banana John Connolly, who carries the weight of the argument in Queensland, dribbled on in a similar vein. Eales is a good player, no doubt about it, but they way these halfwits carry on you’d think he was Jesus Christ and Santa Claus rolled into one.

Growden was back in print on Monday with even more vainglorious articles. After gushingly describing how fantastic Australia is in virtually every poisiton, he comes to a sweaty climax with “… when they discuss why Australia stand on a pedestal above New Zealand, a common thread will be the power of leadership. Australia have an abundance of leaders besides the retiring Eales: George Gregan, Matthew Burke, Daniel Herbert, Owen Finegan and Larkham. They all hold up in a crisis.”

God, it must be wonderful being Australian. And yet, with all this magnificence, they needed a lucky late drop goal to stay in the 99 world cup, two lucky last-minute penalties to avoid the wooden spoon in 2000, they were beaten by England, came within a whisker of losing to the Lions, lost a series to the Springboks and relied on a last-minute try to beat a woefully inadequate All Blacks, based on All Black lineout incompetence and refereeing error. Why is all this not adding up for me?

Perhaps because I’m not a loud-mouthed, one-eyed Australian blowhard with the brain of a pea.

Growders froths over Eales’ decision not to take penalty kicks as time ran out. The Australian captain must be a genius! Imagine having the dazzling intellect to work out that at 22-26 down, more than three points were needed to win. Added to which, the restart would have been from half way and the Wallabies were looking anything but penetrative under a blanket All Black defence. With the All Black lineout hardly able to assemble at the right touchline let alone win a lineout, what a master stroke of strategy it required to opt for a lineout close to the goal line.

” And he realised that around him were so many cool, clever heads who would not get dazzled by the moment,” gloried Growden.

Yes, indeed. Just a pity there was not some water around for them to walk on as well.

He rounds off with a quote from Chief Parrot John O’Neill. O’Neill pondered: “You just have to start wondering how many times you can script these things.”

The Australian script is based on unbelievably lucky escape acts? Jeez, are they in trouble.

We won’t even mention the fartings of third-rate hack Spiro Zavos. He’s not even a real Australian and has obviously adopted full-blown Australian conceit only for the thirty pieces of silver.

Meanwhile, New Zealand coach Wayne Smith had the gall to say, “I don’t expect a ticker-tape parade when we get back but I think New Zealanders will recognise the heart and spirit shown by these guys.”

He must be joking. Any professional coach and team who can’t get a reasonable percentage of the simple basics right against ordinary opposition should be held accountable. The lineouts are the obvious area of concern, but add to that the unforced errors, the wrong options, the inability to use an electric outside three, the rushed moves and the tactical naivete, and some severe discipline is needed. Sack Smith, sack Oliver, sack Cribb, sack Randell.

All Blacks my arse. Their current play is a disgrace and heads must roll.

And as for John Eales, good riddance I reckon. I’m sick and tired of his smarmy, goodie-two-shoes Pollyanna act. The Australian captain should be a loud-mouthed prick you can really hate.

Perhaps it might have inspired TTFKATAB (the team formerly known as the All Blacks) to take any one of a string of options to save the game on Saturday night as time ran out.

But they didn’t. They handed option after option to the Wallabies and against all odds, stage-managed a win for the undeserving bombasts in yellow. The All Blacks are crap and have betrayed their fans’ trust.

And I’m very close to being an ex-All Black supporter.

Yes, I know I’m going too easy on them, but I’m a social worker at heart. I just can’t bring myself to say anything REALLY hurtful.

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailfacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather