22 Jun

Kiwi on Tour
by Tony Elson
22 Jun 2005

So how are we rating the Lions tour to date? The pre-match entertainment (if you can get served), and the crowds and the after-match (if you can remember it), are all great. The rugby – well we have seen glimpses of some good Lions play, some stoic play from the NZ provincial sides and a guts and glory performance by the Maori (and the nude rugby wasn’t too bad – but where were the chicks?). What does it all mean?

So far, one case of a serious hangover and smelly guts that lasted for 3 days (care of Rotovegas – must have been that hot-dog), a great emotional ride in Hamilton (where I stayed sober – had to drive back to South Auckland as my 12 yr old doesn’t drive too well), and another case of travel-lag – a flying visit to that grand old town in Otago.

I do have to say the Lions fans have been bloody good value. Some even know about rugby! Had a great banter going on in Vegas – except I can’t remember what I was talking about. Made some new friends there too – but I forget their names (thank God for the women – they swapped details and have started emailing). The fans in Hamilton were mainly pissed – but happily so. And in Dunedin (that fine cultural city that exports all its good things north), we had the pleasure of some sweaty socks parked up in front of us, where we swapped beer and single-malt.

So far I have made three games, and intend on doing at least one more (I have tickets for the 3rd test, but a prior engagement may keep me occupied – who the f**k would have kids I tell you). It’s been fun so far. Nothing too emotional from the fans or in the press, but you can feel that changing by the minute as we lead into the first test. Henson may have started some grumbling. What us Kaiwais need is for us to win and win well, to see some wheels fall off. You can sense something smelly rising when the Celts are starting to get pissed off over team selections – by the fans here (yes our Scot friends at the Brook were none too happy), or by pundits in the Brit press (see JPR). Maybe Clive has got it right, and has hid some plays from us – but personally, I can’t see it. I mean, these guys have never, and I mean never, played any other way. We know they’ll kick for territory, and drive from the lineouts, and B-train their way up the field with the ball neatly tucked up that old geezer’s jersey.

Let’s hope those at the Holy Grail on Saturday can set the tone – let the Brits (and Micks) shout the drinks and then nail their chicks! The AB win will be all the sweeter.

One last thing – the NZ refs are a gutless bunch of IRB arse-licking toadies. Tell the bloody poms (yes, it’s mainly the English – and the BOD) to stop their whinging. We all saw in the Southland match last night the Lions coming in from the side, and getting away with it, while dopey Deaker penalises the in-breds for the same thing. And then gets overwhelmed by the conversation. Penalise them FFS.

Anyway, I’m stocking up the fridge, the wife is away, and I’m in training for Saturday night. Go the Blacks, and may all you Lions fans keep drinking, and keep not showering. After awhile, your underwear will turn carnivorous and consume your genitals – that way their will be less of you in the future.

Speights please chaps.

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