19 Aug

That New Wallaby Jersey
by Paul Waite
19 Aug 2007

For those of you who don’t follow rugby fashion that closely, we are pleased to be able to bring you pictures featuring the new Australian Rugby jersey, specially designed for this years World Cup. The jersey features the latest cushioning technology designed to give the player wearing it a huge advantage in front-on collision during the game.

“It feels real nice too” said a Wallaby back-rower, who wished to remain anonymous. “Whenever I’m feeling bored during a game I can just cop a quick feel to give me that needed lift”.

The players have also noticed another advantage which they discovered during some warm-up games the Wallaby squad were having.

“When you run right at the defence you usually have to protect the ball from being ripped when going into contact, but this jersey makes it all so easy” centre Stirling Meatlocker explained to a rapt press conference. “They’ve all got their eyes glued to your tits, so you just bust right through the defence before they remember what they’re there for.”

But prop Matt Dumpling wasn’t sure. “I don’t see what the fuss is about” he said. “I’ve known about this effect for years and never needed a special jersey for it.”

Others have rubbished the jersey, saying that it goes against the true Green ‘n Gold tradition. “It makes all our blokes look like a bloody load of tits!” complained a frustrated John Squeals.

However former All Black great Pinetree Meads disagreed. “They’ve always looked like a mob of tits to us, so I reckon it won’t affect things much in the Bledisloe” he said.

Matt Gateaux likes the new jersey too. “It’s amazing how many fans try to push a few bucks down your front when you’re signing autographs after the game” he said. “As long as you steer well clear of all the pervos and pooftahs and keep your back to the wall you’re fine” he added as clarification.

But what about the new technology the jersey contains? After apologizing for his limited English, Professor Dolph Goggleheim brought in as chief consultant by Canterbelly Cleavage, the jersey’s inventors, explained. “If you look at this – how you say – cross-section of the garment you can see the layer of material on the outside which does all of the work and absorbs the force on it”.

Simultaneously handing out brochures for his exclusive breast augmentation clinic based in Zurich, the professor continued. “We have found that the best shape for resisting – what is the word – advances is the same as the female breast”. The professor then paused, searching for yet better words to describe his breakthrough to the Rugby World. “The Wallabies will find that other players will hit on them a lot with these breasts, but they will always be repelled in the end!” he exclaimed, beaming at the stunned audience of formerly hardened Australian rugby journalists, some now weeping openly.

The press conference then degenerated into somewhat of an hiatus as two very large men escorted the protesting professor off-stage, to be replaced by the Canterbelly marketing director for Australia Bruce Willis who gave a more standard presentation on the jersey.

“We have had everyone modelling this jersey” he said. “These days the merchandising is more important to the ARU than the actual rugby, and we have been careful to market this special jersey with the aim of selling it into as many markets as we can.”

Willis then showed a set of slides to illustrate his point. “First of all we see here Angelina Jolie relaxing in a special lightweight version of the jersey intended for the hotter climates like Southeast Asia and the Gobi Desert”.

Waving his laser pointer and causing temporary blindness to the few not already struck blind by the sight on the screen before them, WIllis continued.

“There is also a rumour that the ARU is seeking to negotiate with Angelina as a replacement for Lote Tuquiri, because they reckon she could stand Richie McCaw on his head just by looking at him wearing that gear.”

“In this next example, we have Robbie Williams modelling the jersey on the beach, which should ensure that either all his fans buy the jersey, or everyone who hates his guts, or people who like tats and tits – either way we’ve got all the bases covered”.

Willis then paused and looked up at the picture on the screen as if for the first time. “We aren’t quite sure what Robbie was doing with his right hand there, but I’m sure you can all hazard a guess.”

Willis then turned to his audience to draw proceedings to a close,

“And finally here’s a picture of Gazza just being a complete twat as usual. He should get himself a Wallaby jersey – he’d look a lot cooler.”

The press conference then broke up, with most journalists leaving on foot but several being wheeled out by para-medics, under oxygen masks.

John O’Neil, when asked whether he thought his team were now the laughing-stock of World Rugby, failed to reply.

Paul Waite

Paul Waite

Haka editor-in-chief. Please do not feed.

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