27 Jun

Transcript #1: The Addams Family at Work
by Paul Waite
27 Jun 2005

The latest from right inside the Lions Den. Our secretly planted microphones and cameras are, as we speak, spying on planning sessions held deep in the depths of Sir Clive’s bunker. Scan the daily transcripts for the scoop on what’s really driving the Lions Tour. Now read on..

SCW: Can’t you make it more vertical?

Alistair: How about that?

SCW: Wonderful! This second-hand CGI kit we got from Weta Workshop is brilliant – we can make that spear tackle look like a scene from Gladiator! Let’s print that one, and call another press conference.. now where’s my pointing stick gone…

[much later - what seems to be a crisis meeting of SCW, and his 'Generals' ...]

SCW: How is my brilliant idea for a morale-boosting Show to be put on by the lads themselves going Bill?

Bill Beaumont: Pretty good Clive, we’ve got some volunteers to put on a turn or two…

SCW: Great! What’ve we got?

Beaumont: Well let’s see.. Charlie Hodgson is going to be Dan Ackroyd and dress up in overalls and squirt some gooey stuff the cook gave him out of a water pistol at everyone… Stephen Jones is up for a recital of Under Milk Wood, and promises he can do it in a shorter time than it takes him to get a clearing kick away … and Ronan O’Gara was going to pretend to be a fly-half’s arse, until all the other players persuaded him that nobody would fall for it.

SCW: Sounds great so far, what else is there?

Gareth Jenkins: Gareth Thomas has promised to do a spot as The Creature From the Black Lagoon, assuming he can find some good makeup, a set of false teeth, and have some plastic surgery to make himself look less scary.

Ian McGeechan: We’ve also got Neil Back to play Peter Pan, but he’s having trouble persuading Matt Dawson to be his Tinkerbell – something about not liking the frilly dress. Then there’s the Addams Family.

SCW: Wow! What’s that Ian?

McGeechan: The lads thought that after the test loss some black humour would go down well. We’ve assembled a very good cast: Gavin Henson is going to be Gomez, and his wife Morticia will be played by Charlotte Church. Graham Rowntree has offered to play Uncle Fester – a good likeness there we all agreed – and Shane Byrne is confident that he can comb his hair forwards and be Cousin IT quite easily. Then there’s Paul O’Connel as Lurch of course, and Danny Grewcock has offered to ‘acquire’ a servered hand to play Thing, he’s already got a finger. We also have Gordon Bulloch as Pugsley, and Matt Dawson as Wednesday, the wicked little girl.

SCW: Cool! And what’s the story-line going to be?

McGeechan: Well the family are forced to play in a rugby match against the All Blacks, and so much of the attention is on doing the wrong things to prepare for it – Morticia eats loads of pies and drinks like a fish and gets fat, and so Gomez refuses to talk Welsh to her as punishment. Uncle Fester works down in the catacombs on a set of exploding jock-straps to be smuggled into the opposition changing rooms, however Pugsley discovers them and, believing Uncle has turned into yet another kind of pervert, steals them for himself and six of them go off whilst he’s wearing them over his head and spanking Wednesday with a baseball bat. This impressive detonation occurs as Gomez is lovingly watching Morticia behead some English roses. Startled, they both attempt to rush from their bedroom, but Morticia has got so fat she gets wedged in the doorway. Lurch finally resolves this by bringing some of the remaining jockstraps and, packing them around her backside, removes her explosively. Somewhat the worse for wear, the Family turn up to the game and lose badly which, being the Addams Family was exactly what they wanted to happen.

SCW: Great!!

Beaumont: Thanks Ian, sounds inspirational that one. And finally we’ve got a little playlet called “Father Up”, which I’m told is a sordid but gripping tale of lifted cassocks, and passion in the pews starring Malcolm O’Kelly as Father O’Kelly, Chris Cusiter as The Abused Choirboy, and Steve Thompson as The Hooker.

SCW: [claps and rubs hands together] Brilliant! This will get the morale back on track! We’ll show these All Blacks what we’re made of eh!?

[silence for a moment too long..]

Beaumont: Ah.. yes, right boss – brilliant! [assorted 'yes-men' murmurs from the others]

Paul Waite

Paul Waite

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